Relationships: Creating Positive Solutions
by Phylis Clay Sparks

There once was a beautiful pedigreed cat that lived in a big mansion with an owner who loved the cat and gave it everything a cat could possibly want.  It ate out of fine china dishes, drank purified water, ate the highest quality food and slept in a comfy fleece-lined bed. The cat’s owner enjoyed sitting with his cat in his lap, gently petting it, but the cat hated it because its owner always stroked him against the grain of his fur.  He rubbed him the wrong way.

One day, the cat couldn’t stand it any more, so he ran away. As he was rummaging for food in a garbage can, an alley cat approached him and asked, “What are you, a pedigreed cat, doing in this alley?”

The beautiful cat told the alley cat that he had to run away because he was being rubbed the wrong way and just couldn’t take it any more.

The alley cat said, “You didn’t need to run away, all you had to do was turn the other way on your owner’s lap.”

The pedigreed cat was so caught up in the problem that this simple solution didn’t even occur to him. Instead, he ran away. 

Isn’t that what we sometimes do when we become frustrated with what another person is doing? 

Relationships take work, especially marital relationships. They require that we seek solutions rather than thinking it’s the other person’s job to change. When someone rubs us the wrong way, yes, it’s important to communicate.  But we can’t take for granted that the other person will change to suit our demands. The only control we really have is over how we respond or react to what the other person does or doesn’t do.

Many of us enter into committed relationships without being totally willing to accept the other person just as they are. And, we often fail to make sure the other person is willing to accept us as we are. As a result, control drama starts and each person expects the other to change. 

It has been said that there are essentially two kinds of people in the world: those who are focused on the problem, analyze the problem, complain about the problem, revisit the problem and finally become part of the problem; and those who observe a problem and immediately look beyond the problem for a solution.

For the person who becomes enmeshed in the problems of a relationship, life will feel like a struggle. For the person who seeks solution, it is seen as a series of growth and creative opportunities. In this human experience, we are always either unfolding solutions or perpetuating problems. The question is, are you a problem person or a solution person?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve talked with people who have become so embroiled in a problem that the only solution they can see is to run away. It takes courage, creativity and discipline to look for solutions. It also takes guts to sometimes admit that we, ourselves, might be the problem.

Granted, there may come a point where the best solution simply is to walk away from an irreversible problem. But even that can happen with an attitude of love and learning rather than just giving up.

Another version of running away or giving up is passing the buck. “Here — you solve this problem (that way I don’t have to risk failure).” 

A solution person understands that the attempt to change someone else is one of the greatest wastes of time there is — not because people can’t change, but because transformation is something that evolves over time. It doesn’t take place in an instant and doesn’t happen because one person is addicted to demanding that the other change. The fact is, we can’t make another person into something he or she is not.

It may be natural to want the best for our partners. It is natural to want to meet their needs. But changing the other person is a different notion. As much as you may want to change the other person, the first thing to do is see that person with new eyes. Very often the problem with the other person is in your own mind, enmeshed in your own prejudices, expectations, personal demands and critical judgments.

Try looking at your partner through the eyes of acceptance rather than critical analysis. Step back and look upon that person from a higher perspective and realize that beyond the appearance there is a goodness that you can believe in. Instead of criticism, look for something to praise and appreciate about your partner, and tell him/her so.

If a change is absolutely necessary for the other person’s well-being, then before you lambaste them with what they need to do or be, begin your conversation with something about them that you genuinely appreciate. When you discipline yourself to regulate your negative reactions and see someone from a higher level of perception, you may be surprised at how fast that person begins to interact with you on that higher level. 

Believe in the innate goodness in your partner and practice seeing that goodness.  Perhaps you will then change your mind about running away.